Body Transmogrification and Foot Rubs
Some unnamable compulsion drives me to write these tidbits of genius in a semi-sequential manner. Although there are much more interesting and graphic topics I’d love to dive straight into like the delivery room battlefield or the complexities of breastfeeding, it makes some sort of sense to start where you, beloved new father, will also start.
So… beginning at the beginning. Your female counterpart is preggers. Joy to the world. As the pregnancy progresses more and more people are going to notice, take interest, and insert themselves into your lives. It’s cool. Most of it is repetitive small talk and unsolicited anecdotes. Enjoy the attention and take part in it. The focus will be mostly on your pregnant partner, but you contributed… so enjoy your participation trophy of social attention. Just remember, most of what other parents will offer you is not necessarily applicable to you and yours.
For example, we’ve all heard horror stories about the cornucopia of ailments and inconveniences pregnant women must suffer through on their 40 week journey of baby building. Most of this is horseshit. Don’t let anyone’s horror story scare you. Sure, there are some things that come along with pregnancy like nausea, swollen feet, odd cravings, mood swings, and back pains, but most likely you and yours won’t be suffering through all of these at all, let alone simultaneously. TV and your overly fertile Aunt Wilma love to exaggerate this kind of shit. In the first few months of pregnancy, my wife probably had a hundred people ask her if she had started throwing up yet. A weird question really. The answer was always no (for us). Sure, some mild nausea that could be fixed with crackers and water, but no exorcist style projectile vomiting. Her only real burden was the rhinoceros legs she developed in the last five weeks. Otherwise, being pregnant can be quite easy and enjoyable if you approach it with a plucky attitude.
Every woman is going to experience pregnancy differently and it is your job to know that and respond accordingly. Most of the stereotypical side effects of growing a human will be mild if at all present. Chances are you will hold some hair back during the first trimester as your mother-to-be imitates a wildebeest mating call into the toilet. You will likely need to provide some back rubs and massage some feet and go on late night runs to the grocery store. But unless you are somehow cursed by the fertility gods, you likely won’t have to deal with a girl who wants to jump your bones one minute and murder you the next or hurl empty tubs of pickle flavored ice cream at your head while you rub her feet and catch her vomit. But, who knows, maybe you’re lucky.
Just know, there is actual real life science behind these symptoms. If you expect your partner to control any of this through sheer will power, you are an idiot. Pregnant women gain about 50% of their overall blood volume during pregnancy and gain on average between 25 and 35 pounds. That’s some serious transformation over a short period of time. What impressive shit has your body don’t lately?
Step up your attentiveness and get used to asking, “Can I do anything for you?” and you will be fine. And if you don’t think you need to do anything for her, you are an asshole. Your contribution was 5-7 minutes of sub-par sweaty love making, while hers is 280 days of aggressive bodily transmogrification that crescendos in a not at all private explosion of taint tearing terror. But… yeah… sure… tell her you are too tired to rub her feet.
So… beginning at the beginning. Your female counterpart is preggers. Joy to the world. As the pregnancy progresses more and more people are going to notice, take interest, and insert themselves into your lives. It’s cool. Most of it is repetitive small talk and unsolicited anecdotes. Enjoy the attention and take part in it. The focus will be mostly on your pregnant partner, but you contributed… so enjoy your participation trophy of social attention. Just remember, most of what other parents will offer you is not necessarily applicable to you and yours.
For example, we’ve all heard horror stories about the cornucopia of ailments and inconveniences pregnant women must suffer through on their 40 week journey of baby building. Most of this is horseshit. Don’t let anyone’s horror story scare you. Sure, there are some things that come along with pregnancy like nausea, swollen feet, odd cravings, mood swings, and back pains, but most likely you and yours won’t be suffering through all of these at all, let alone simultaneously. TV and your overly fertile Aunt Wilma love to exaggerate this kind of shit. In the first few months of pregnancy, my wife probably had a hundred people ask her if she had started throwing up yet. A weird question really. The answer was always no (for us). Sure, some mild nausea that could be fixed with crackers and water, but no exorcist style projectile vomiting. Her only real burden was the rhinoceros legs she developed in the last five weeks. Otherwise, being pregnant can be quite easy and enjoyable if you approach it with a plucky attitude.
Every woman is going to experience pregnancy differently and it is your job to know that and respond accordingly. Most of the stereotypical side effects of growing a human will be mild if at all present. Chances are you will hold some hair back during the first trimester as your mother-to-be imitates a wildebeest mating call into the toilet. You will likely need to provide some back rubs and massage some feet and go on late night runs to the grocery store. But unless you are somehow cursed by the fertility gods, you likely won’t have to deal with a girl who wants to jump your bones one minute and murder you the next or hurl empty tubs of pickle flavored ice cream at your head while you rub her feet and catch her vomit. But, who knows, maybe you’re lucky.
Just know, there is actual real life science behind these symptoms. If you expect your partner to control any of this through sheer will power, you are an idiot. Pregnant women gain about 50% of their overall blood volume during pregnancy and gain on average between 25 and 35 pounds. That’s some serious transformation over a short period of time. What impressive shit has your body don’t lately?
Step up your attentiveness and get used to asking, “Can I do anything for you?” and you will be fine. And if you don’t think you need to do anything for her, you are an asshole. Your contribution was 5-7 minutes of sub-par sweaty love making, while hers is 280 days of aggressive bodily transmogrification that crescendos in a not at all private explosion of taint tearing terror. But… yeah… sure… tell her you are too tired to rub her feet.
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